HomeArticlesWhy Aren’t We Married? Our Struggle with Weddings & Marriage
Why Aren’t We Married? Our Struggle with Weddings & Marriage
August 18, 2019
Do you know what we’re talking about
Marriage! Since we’re thinking about doing it soon.
Don’t say it like that! People always then people are gonna peg
me as that crazy woman that’s like ‘I just want to get married, but my
boyfriend won’t commit.’ And then I get painted as the bad guy. It’s not fair. Don’t
laugh! Not fair.
We are. We are! Welcome back guys to another episode of – we still haven’t
decided the name but we’re gonna talk about our relationship in the car. We are
getting to that age, almost 30 and I think maybe like five years into
the relationship people were already like, ‘when are you guys gonna get married
you know you guys have been together for so long.’ But now that it’s 12 years,
people are like ‘okay now you guys now you guys really need to get married look
that was due seven years ago what are you doing now’ Stefan’s parents
Not my dad, just my mom. Ya, not your dad. Your dad just trolls us. But your mom Yeah.
I we thought that your mom’s itch was scratched when your brother got married
but that itch was not scratched and my parents don’t care. My parents are super
Wait, question So your parents don’t want to meet my
parents unless we’re getting married Yes
And if we chose to not get married
would you just accept that they’ll never meet?
I’m pretty cool with that. Do you understand
how much scare okay unanimously people would agree with me
it’s much scarier when parents meet parents because you don’t have control
over in-laws the way you do with partners. With you I could be like ‘don’t
be a fucking weirdo to my parents, and be on your best behavior.’ But to actually no
wait to my parents I could say that too. But to your parents I can’t be
like don’t be a fucking weirdo. There’s just way too many variables and extra
bodies that get mixed in with personalities. You remember when we first
started dating you asked me to marry you? It was a mistake. The first mistake. I’m kidding.
Don’t touch me! Versus a traditional idea of what
marriage is, we’re quite different I think. Firstly, the fact that we don’t believe
that marriage needs to be for forever. I will never make a vow saying that
through what’s that one life or death no wait yeah through sickness and in health
I’ll be with you like regardless. Of course we do aspire to be together as a
monogamous couple, monogamous for the time being. We don’t know. I swear we’re
gonna be swingers. We would vow to do our bests to each other but it’s just
not, in my idea, it’s not realistic to commit to life and there’s no point in
kind of beating a dead horse if you come to the end of a relationship, or you’ve
built up so much resentment against one individual and it just doesn’t seem like
things are gonna work out and you’ve obviously made your best efforts. It’s
okay to choose to end it. It’s actually very healthy and a very positive
decision to be like listen this is this is just not going anywhere.
People grow apart, or change.
Yeah yeah, that’s totally normal. That way we sort of work harder because we don’t,
like we want to prolong it as much as we can, we just don’t expect it to be for
life. It is very scary for people that have been together for so long to end a
relationship. It’s a big decision. It’s a huge decision. So it’s not like we would
take it lightly and be like I just don’t feel like committing anymore. I mean
if one person’s not happy and the other person is happy that is enough of a
reason. You get what I’m saying.
I get what you’re saying honey. I just see really a lot of unhappy couples that have committed and
married to each other and feel like they’re stuck and stick it out for the
kids, which is
Not a problem we’ll have.
Yeah that’s true. Stick it out for the dogs.
I’m getting full custody of the dogs. Which brings to the other point of why we’re not married yet. is because marriage…we don’t really have a clock
ticking or steps to take. We don’t have kids that were aspiring to, and even if
let’s say we wanted to have kids I wouldn’t necessarily think that I’d
have to get married first. If you take out that factor of like you’re promising
a lifelong commitment I guess the weight of marriage isn’t as
heavy for us as it is for other people. Which is maybe why we don’t feel rushed
to get married because we’re already committed to each other.
Yeah. Commitment is separate from a piece of paper.
Traditionally like a lot of things came after marriage like sex, and living
together, children, but we’ve already knocked two out of three of those bags.
So at this point we’ve completely bastardized marriage right?
Everybody’s like what’s the point of getting married then? Why do you guys
even want to get married? Truthfully it’s just to have a celebration.
It’s just to have a party.
And we’re not spending a down payment on a house for it.
That’s the other thing like wedding is a whole other fuckery and our idea of a
wedding is also, just like marriage, so different from what people usually –
Yeah yeah and there’s nothing wrong with traditional. There’s nothing wrong with
if you want exactly everything, the garter belt ceremony is so fucking weird
to me because I can’t imagine you going under my dress and using your mouth to
take a garter off of my leg in front of all my relatives but aside from that you
do exactly what you want to do, and there’s no judgement. But between us we have we just don’t, the idea of saying my vows in front of
people is so weird to me. Like I don’t really want to tell people how much I
love you in front of people Plus you know me, I’m gonna bawl my eyes
out like bawwwll my eyes out. So all I really need is court dude what do they call,
observance obituant? No that’s
Officiant! And I guess we need witnesses But that’s chill – it’s our friend, he
said something about weddings that really shook me and completely changed
my course of how I viewed weddings. But he said weddings are very masturbatory.
And I was like, what does that mean and I thought about it and it’s so true. If you
think about how much of a performance you put on for dresses yeah people yeah
dance yeah and these it feels like a whole production. Toasts and speeches. Yes. And it feels, a wedding is kind of a selfish thing because it’s just between
it’s just to be like oh look at us we’re a couple getting married and we’re gonna have a wedding. We’re gonna do the whole
masturbatory thing too – Just not so much masturbation in your face. Yeah.
Traditions that we practice I just don’t really understand because as North
American culture both of us most identify with, I don’t view any of those
traditions as valid, for myself. Because I just didn’t really grow up with it. I
grew up in between like Asian and North Americans so like I didn’t really know
either Out of respect for my parents I’ll do
some Chinese culture things and I would like to get to know more but even my mom,
okay my mom never wanted to get married. She never wanted a wedding herself.
In fact she ended up weaseling her way out of planning
Sounds like your mom.
Right? She was like my dad would ask her for input and do stuff and she’d
be like I don’t I don’t care and she’s like if it gets complicated she’s like I
don’t want to get married at all. and he’ll be like oh okay okay don’t worry I’ll plan
it and he takes care of all of it. Which is exactly my parents. Yeah she doesn’t
believe in any of the traditions either, and I think that they’re really fun and
great to have and there are some fun things of course to involve but then to
think about why you’re doing it is just not it doesn’t help us as a couple at
all. So we’re opting out of a lot of it. We just want to have a party, and we just
want to have fried chicken picnic-style. We are so lucky to have my friend
Kirthiga, who is an intense event planner and I feel like my biggest concern with
getting married is losing friendship. Because every person that I’ve talked to
has lost friends from helping each other plan each other’s weddings and it is the
ultimate friendship killer. I know that there’s gonna be stresses I don’t want
to be naive and be like it’s gonna be fun and I want it to be like we’re all
gonna get along, no there’s gonna be stresses. I want to be like leading up to
the day and the day of we just came together as a group and we all you know
pulled through and got this done together which is a bigger gift to me
than having like a registry. The commodification of the wedding business
is just a huge fucking scam. I don’t know what a bridal shower is. I don’t know
what a bachelorette is they’re both parties before the wedding. What’s the
difference? One has strippers. How do we come to this conclusion of agreeing with
everything with marriage. I feel like a lot of people ask us especially with
kids they’re like well how does Stefan feel about it? Like, he feels the same way I do or else we wouldn’t be together. But I think it
helps that we’ve grown together we were kids when we got together so a lot of
our values were shaped to become aligned together.
Yeah but I’m also not the
type to be like that’s a deal breaker. Like if you changed your mind later on
in life and you’re like I want a crazy fucking wedding. I want a crazy fucking wedding. Then I’d be like, eh, sure.
That’s true. I just wants the sluttiest wedding dress. Side boob. Front boob. Nips. Backless. Slit
up to your hip.
A backless frontless sideless dress? Sounds like you’re going in your party suit there.
I just don’t feel like a wedding is such a big deal like oh if I ever throw feel like throwing another
party for myself I’ll do the same thing you know. Like yeah we’re gonna have, for
60 grand we could have six 10 grand parties once a year. Think about that,
that’s fucking awesome. You could have six 10 grand like probably not fully
catered, and like all that stuff. That’s a good party. That’s a good party. The whole
diamond industry really upsets me. How they mark up diamonds and how it’s
become. Diamond engagement rings were not a thing. It only became a thing in the 30s, 40s? So not that long ago, and it was all due to one marketing one
marketing scheme. One crazy intelligent marketing campaign decided to say that
Oh an engagement ring must be what is it a 1/10 or something of a man’s salary to
prove that you are worthy of that woman’s hand, and it’s like it makes no
fucking sense to me. Of course I’d love an engagement ring, I just don’t think
that it has to be a diamond and I don’t think that it has to be a certain price.
I just think that it has to suit my style. There’s too much weight put on one
day so then people the expectations are way too high and then people just end up
getting really disappointed. There’s just there’s no deadline for us.
Though I think knowing his personality he’s just gonna put it off and then I’ll
get impatient. but I it has nothing I don’t think-
If we don’t have a timeline how
can you be a impatient?
Because I’m just impatient!
Yes, so it doesn’t matter if I
loaft or not. You’re just impatient. What does marriage mean to you?
Not much. You would be okay if we never got
Do you think that you’re getting
married to me because you’re doing me a favor?
No. Realistically, inside me I feel no other than to have a fun party with our
And tax benefits! I’d be okay with throwing a marriage party but not signing the
Yeah right? Like I would be okay with just having a party to be like
you know we’re happy like a we’re happy party.
Yeah and then I’d still call it a
Yeah it just like I just don’t sign the papers.
Yeah inside of my body I
don’t feel an urge to be like I have to get married so I can wear a ring yeah.
The size of the wedding another thing is we agreed that every guest to our
wedding has to really know the both of us. So if it’s a relative on his side
that has not met me they are not coming to the wedding and same thing as my
relatives. We stand very firm to our values and
what we want out of this wedding which we are paying for by ourselves.
Oh you know what I hate the most about weddings? When it says this Mr and Mrs.
Alex Chan’s daughter Letitia invites you to Mr. and Mrs. Lamy’s no wait Mr. Mrs. Daniel Lamy’s because it has to have
the husband’s name son to the wedding. I’m like I’m sorry who?! So
yeah that’s it that’s our views on marriage. We’ve arrived at our
destination also good timing. We’re going snowboarding which is I mean I
tried my best to make myself look a little better but I still have a pimple sticker on. I’m interested to hear everybody else’s views on marriage and I
completely respect if you have a very traditional view on marriage I just, it
really irks me when people judge us for our slightly less traditional view of
marriage. If you guys want to hear girl talk stuff that also includes our
relationship but from a female perspective you can listen to the
podcast GIRL WHA?! on all places it’s on iTunes Spotify Google Play we’ll see you
guys next time bye! Yay!
Commitment. Commitment. So what is it? Do we just – oh my god I thought you were doing something crazy.