The Vows


This is pretty exciting,
isn’t it? Really is. We’ve made every green light
on the way to your parents’. What are the odds? I meant the fact
that we’re renewing
our vows today. Oh, right. Of course
I’m excited for that. And finally,
after 10 years, I get a chance to make up
for my wedding-vow fiasco. Honey,
it wasn’t a fiasco. Did anyone
even notice? Okay. Um… Uh… When I first
met you, um… (WHISPERING) Kelli. Kelli. OLIVER: Um… I didn’t fully… (HOARSELY)
Understand things… (CLEARS THROAT) Ah… I’d just love
to get through
our vows today without Shawni
upstaging me like she
did at the first wedding. We’ve been invited
here today to witness
and celebrate the uniting in marriage
of Kelli and Oliver. What’s everybody looking at? They’re taking the first step
of their new beginning… Oh, my God. …their new
life together. (WHISPERING) Boob. Bo-o-o-o-ob! Shawni,
your boob’s out. OFFICIANT:
It is an all-consuming… It was really nice
of your parents to offer to let us do
this at their house. They love
doing stuff like this. Whenever my mom
gets to make mini quiches and my dad doesn’t have to
get on the “goddamn freeway,” they’re in.
(CHUCKLES) Although, having both our
families together in one place is probably
a little risky. Especially
Shawni and Jason. Oh, right. They haven’t seen
each other since
they hooked up at my birthday party
like five years ago. Yeah. Well, that one
was kind of your fault. Honey, an adult
sleepover birthday party? Never a great idea. MAN: Okay, everybody,
look at me. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Oh. Hi! Oh, the house
looks amazing, mom. Oh, honey. We’re just so tickled
you decided to do it here. Although I did love being
at your parents’ country club. I still have a whole
purse full of matches, mints, and golf tees. Oh, screw that
snob factory, Jan. We’re doing it
the Durnin way this time. Nobody’s gonna be treated
like a second-class citizen at our little shindig. They wouldn’t even
let me inside. That’s because
you weren’t wearing
a jacket, which the invitation
said was required. Ooh, sorry I don’t
speak calligraphy. But, honey, then the nice man
out front lent you his. He was
a parking valet. I’m not even gonna bring up
the whole seating issue. OFFICIANT: Life together.
The ability… Well, I can’t
see shit. (CLICKS TONGUE) This is unbelievable. We’re the goddamn
mother and father
of the bride! OFFICIANT: That has been… Is that
Shawni’s tit? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, God!
They’re here! Hello, hello. Here you go,
buddy. And there’s a 10 spot
in it for you if you leave the car
sitting in front. I’m not
a valet, Louis. I’m a regional award-winning
college professor. (CHUCKLING)
It was a joke. Nice to see you
again. I’m keeping these,
by the way. Jan, that’s quite a dress.
Who is it? Oh, Jo-Ann fabrics.
I made it myself. It’s lovely.
You could never tell. Except for the uneven
lines and the fit. Oh, uh, uh,
Ricky, Louis, you remember our daughters,
Shawni and Dani, right? Of course. (CHUCKLING) Hi. Hi. (CLEARS THROAT) Hi. Hi. Didn’t you date our son
Blake a while back? JAN: She did. Fingers crossed
for another Durnin-Weston
wedding at the club. (CHUCKLES) Sadly, dear, my fingers
don’t do that. Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late.
Just had to… Dani. Hey. Hey, Blake.
You look amazing. Thanks. Sometimes
my biceps rip my shirts. You look awesome. Thanks. I’ve only eaten three bananas
and a Twix since Wednesday. Wow. Hey, so, do you maybe
want to get back together just for the ceremony
today? Totally. And then we’d
break up again right after? Yeah, ’cause I have a date
with this congressman
guy tomorrow. We’re going to a hotel,
and we have to use
fake names. Mine’s gonna
be “Shh.” What’s the matter, dear?
You don’t seem as excited for this as your
mother clearly is. No, I’m super excited to watch my older sister
have a second wedding when I haven’t
even had one and I have a boyfriend
that I’m pretty sure isn’t gonna
propose to me ever. Uh-oh. Trouble in… Well, not paradise. Hey, how are
your nerves? Oh, not a problem because I wrote everything
down on note cards. Yep. And they’re
kind of amazing, even better
than last time. I quote Shakespeare… And Iggy Azalea, so… (DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) Hi. Hey. RICKY: Ohh! My son the doctor! Wow. Even here. Yeah. Where’s Claire? Oh, there wasn’t
any parking, so I had her
drop me off. Oh, Jason. You remember
my daughter Shawni? Of course. Hey, Shawni. Hey, Jason. Sorry I never
called you. What? You know, five years ago,
Kelli’s slumber party. God, did we destroy
that sleeping bag. (CHUCKLES) Dude, it was just
a stupid drunk thing, I wasn’t expecting
a call. Look, my wife knows,
just an FYI, but no reason
to bring it up,
you feel me? Hard to bring up something
I barely remember. (PANTING) I found
a parking spot, but it was up
on the hill.
I’m good, babe. Jan, you know
my sister-in-law
Claire, right? No, I don’t. Hello, Claire.
You look beautiful. Thanks. And? Wow, like, no insult?
I love you! You must be Shawni. It’s great
to meet you. You’re the one
that had sex
with Jason? What did
she just say? Nothing, dad.
Nothing. You had sex
with her? Wait, okay.
Gil, calm down. Don’t “Gil, calm down” me. If he had sex with her,
you know what that means? He was drunk? It means that every boy
in your family had sex with every girl
in my family. Are you (BLEEP)
kidding me? Why are you angry
at me? I married the one
I had sex with. Your family literally
screwed my family. You rich people
with all your money, you think can do whatever you
want, like you rule the world. Well, there’s one thing
that you can’t take care of, me calling off
this goddamn ceremony! Come on, Jan. Nobody have sex with
my wife while I’m upstairs. I thought if anyone
would ruin today, it would be Shawni,
not dad. But he’s gonna come
back downstairs, right? (SIGHS) We have to
still do our thing. Honey, everyone
has to hear my vows. You’re gonna cry. I call you
“my precious dove” like twice. Everyone, please just relax,
enjoy some hors d’oeuvres. Uh, Shawni,
there’s another platter
in the kitchen. Would you run and get it? Great. Now I’m the not-married
hors d’oeuvres lady? Gil and I will be
down in a sec, and we’ll all have
the beautiful ceremony we’ve all waited
10 years to enjoy. (SHOUTING) Gil! Jesus Christ! So… How was it? How was what? The sex with
Jason, dummy. You seriously
want to talk about that? Well, why not? I mean,
we have stuff in common. Like, like we both
slept with the same guy. My husband, Jason,
the doctor. Okay, look, I’m not really
having the best day, so I don’t want to talk
about it, okay? Okay. The topic
is off the table. Just a real quick
question, which is, like, how many
positions did you do? And, um… Did you do
any butt stuff? So, bro, big day. Damn,
you must be nervous. Yeah, I am a
little bit nervous. I mean, Kelli deserved way better than what she got
from me on our wedding day, and I really want to
make that up to her. I mean,
that’s assuming someone can convince Gil
to come back downstairs. Oh, sorry.
Didn’t know anyone
was in here. (CHUCKLES) Guys,
you mind if we borrow
the room for a bit? Dani and I
really want to… Talk. Blow each other. Louis, Ricky, this
is my boyfriend, Enzo. Nice to meet you. What kind of
a name is Enzo? It’s Brazilian,
but it’s roots come from the mountainous
regions of Chile. “Foreign” would
have sufficed, dear. Everything looks
so beautiful, babe. Romantic,
don’t you think? Yeah, I love it. Doesn’t seeing
all this kind of… Make you think
of something? Yes, it makes me think that if you
can make a mini quiche, imagine how many foods
you can make mini. I can’t get your dad
to come down.
He’s really upset. He feels like he’s being
mistreated all over again. (SCOFFS) I’m so sick
of him doing this. I’ll get him
to come down here. Don’t worry. Okay. (SHOUTS) Dad! Jesus Christ! Now, what
should I have? Oh, I have
a special drink. I was gonna serve it
after the ceremony, but since
it’s just us… What is that? I call it Jan juice. It’s how I used to drink
around the girls when they were little
without them knowing. Ooh, this
is strong. Mmm. I like it. (CHUCKLES) Would you
like to sit? I think I better. Great.
This guy’s in here. Ugh, I can’t be
alone anywhere
in this stupid house. Look, you don’t have
to pretend that you didn’t want to date me back then.
You just don’t. I get it, good-looking doctor,
good family. Kelli got one of us,
why not you? Okay,
I really didn’t. I didn’t know who you were,
because I was so drunk, until we started doing it
and you were like, “Yeah, yeah,
ride the doctor.” So, if it wasn’t
seeing me and the amazing life
that you missed out on that made you so upset,
then what’s up? What do you think? My boyfriend’s
never gonna propose, and now I have to sit
through my sister’s
stupid do-over wedding. And I don’t know.
My life’s just not really where I thought
it would be, you know? Do you love him? Yeah, and he loves me.
It’s just… I am not talking
about this with you. Oh, by the way, your wife asked me
if we did any butt stuff. Seriously? Yep. So, do you want me to lie
or tell her the truth? Hey. So? Did it work? Is Gil coming back down?
I mean, did you save the day? No. This day is turning
into a disaster. My stupid dad
is being an idiot, and my pissed-off
sister is even more
pissed off than usual. Well, I think this day is
very hard for her because
we’re not married. But what she
doesn’t know is, I already bought a ring and
I’m gonna propose in two weeks at a yet-to-be-determined,
reasonably-priced hotel. (GASPS) Oh, my gosh!
Enzo, that’s amazing news! She’ll be so happy. I know. If we make it
another two weeks,
it’ll be a very happy day. Hey, buddy,
come here. Yes? Look, I don’t know what you’re
doing with your girlfriend, but you got to know,
she’s not happy. Yes, I was just
telling Kelli… (HUSHES) Never interrupt
a doctor. If you don’t
want to lose this girl, I suggest
you man up and propose. I’m planning to in a few
weeks. How quick do
you think I should do it? Based on what I just saw… That’s great.
Thank you so much. I just said,
never interrupt a doctor. Louis never
storms out like Gil. He just
falls asleep. I mean, he falls asleep
when he’s happy, bored, when the ball
is dropping at New Year’s. (LAUGHS) You’re a lot
of fun, Ricky. You know, really,
we’re not that different when you think about it. All right.
All right, now. You know, I mean,
I’m having a good time
with you right now, but let’s not
start talking nonsense. Hey, ladies.
What’s going on
in here? Oh, we’re just
talking about how lucky we are
to have good husbands. Though no one
is as lucky as you, Claire. Oh, okay.
Thank you? I mean, you are
“win the Lotto” lucky. “Only one to survive
a plane crash” lucky. Like,
“a horseshoe up your…” Okay.
All right, Ricky. I get it.
Thank you. Hey, can I ask you
a personal question, Ricky? If you must. Why are you such
a bitch all the time? (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
I have… Think I have to… That… Is a very
good question… One that no one
has ever asked me before. Well done, Jan. You have balls,
and I respect that. That’s a hard question
to answer. But at the end of the day,
I guess the answer is… I enjoy it. Wow. So, what’s up, Gil? What the hell
are you doing here? Well, Kelli asked me
to come up here
and talk to you, father to father,
see if I can convince you to come down there
and help her renew
her vows. To one of
your feral boys? No, thank you.
I’m going to a hotel. So, uh… What’s the real
problem, Gil? The problem is,
every time we get together, your family makes mine
feel like crap. All right.
All right. I know how upset you
were about the wedding, and I should have taken care
of this a long time ago, and I am really sorry,
but it’s no excuse to give you bad seats
at your daughter’s wedding. Agreed. And about our kids, you have three
fantastic daughters. And sometimes,
they’re gonna
make a decision that you don’t
agree with, and you can’t
take it personally. Uh, oops.
Uh, our bad. How far is your car? Hi, daddy. See? But sometimes,
they’re right, like Oli and Kelli
10 years ago. They did something
fantastic. So, why don’t you
and I go downstairs like the proud fathers
we are and help them celebrate
the renewal of their vows? You know what? You’re right.
Let’s do it. Thank you. You’re welcome. Hug? Sure. (CLEARS THROAT) Gather the families. My beautiful daughter
and her incredible husband are gonna renew
their wedding vows. So sorry
I got upset, Kelli. That’s okay, dad. Aw. Thank you. Anything
for the two of you. You got us that great trip
to Mexico last Christmas. (CLICKS TONGUE)
We owe you. Dad, that was Jason. Well, I guess
you owe me a trip, then. Okay. You
ready for this? Yep. Are you? Yep. Totally fine.
Got my cards. (CHUCKLES) I’m gonna nail it. Happy 10 years, babe. Aw. Happy 10 years. Why don’t you
go first? Okay. Uh, um… When I first
met Oliver… I just got engaged! (ALL CHEERING) The little bitch
upstaged me again. (ALL CHEERING) Oh! My Shawni
is finally engaged. Oh! Hey, guys, we’re trying to
renew our vows over here, so could we please… Yeah. Thank you. Thank you all for joining us
on this very special day. Um… Honey, do you mind
if I go first? No.
Of course, baby. Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) Kelli, these
last 10 years have been
the most incredible, adventure-filled
years of my life. And… (SCREAMS) (GASPS) My vows! Help! My vows! Whoa, great trick. Oh! (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Okay, well… Those are
pretty much destroyed. It’s okay, babe.
I’ll just say mine,
and we’ll call it a renewal. Don’t worry.
It’ll be… No, baby,
I have to do this.
I owe you this. I owe everybody this. You know what?
I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna
speak from the heart. (OLIVER CLEARS THROAT) Kelli… (INHALES DEEPLY) A big reason
for doing this today was to make up
for our original ceremony, which we all know was… Pretty much
a disaster. Hear, hear. So, we tried to make
everything today perfect, and, well… That didn’t
really happen, either. But… I don’t know,
that kind of made
me realize that maybe things like
this are never perfect. And maybe, in some way, the fact that you and I come
from such different families is part of what makes us
so good together. Kelli, I love
you more now than I did when we
were first married, and you are the most beautiful
person, inside and out, that I have ever met. So, up here today,
in front of our families, sweating and starting
to shake a little bit… (LAUGHS) I just want to say to you
the most romantic
and true thing that I can think of
in this moment. Kelli Durnin, without you… My life
would be shit. (LAUGHS) My life would be shit
without you, baby. (BOTH CHUCKLES) (EXHALES) (CHUCKLES) God, I was
so good up there. I killed those vows. I mean, people were
literally having, like… Vow-gasms. (LAUGHS) Well, you were
pretty great, babe. Mine were
pretty great, too. I mean, when
I compared our love to a flowing river
that never stagnates, I saw people’s hands
go up to their chests. You know what? Let’s just say that both
of our vows were really good. It’s not a competition. You know what? Let’s find out
whose were better. Girls… Whose vows
did you like better, mine or your dad’s? And say
whatever you think. It doesn’t matter.
No one will get mad. Actually, both of them
were pretty boring.

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