The Australiana Hostel – Episode 3 “Drunken Wizards!” – Feat. Jimi Jackson


Oi Chick, You want to see my crocodiles tears? It’s Semen! Can you fuck off? Yep! Oi how is it that hostel has a pool when our
hostel barely has running water? Oi we’ve got a pool. Putting a plug in a sink doesn’t make it a
pool. It’s a pool for midgets. A baby Jacuzzi. Exactly. You know how some pools have this chemical
that like when you pee it turns the water blue? I think that’s a myth. Well I was just wondering… If you shit in the pool does it turn the water
blue as well? No it would just be brown right? Something tells me you’re correct… Code brown everyone! Code brown! Really it’s his fault for serving Mexican
food next to a pool… He’s not going to be happy though is he? No, he’s going to lose his shit! Cause you did a shit.. In the pool! Feel that, got him! Chur boys! Just looking for a room for the night ay. What is that accent? You sound like Australian Mike Tyson. Well you sound like the cockadile hunter. Ayo! My man! Got me. Kiwi accent! I’m like your brother from another mother! New Zealand! Chur bro we love the Lord of thing rings. How come every time I tell someone I’m from
New Zealand they bring that fucking movie up. I bet you’re going to ask if I fuck sheep
next… Do you? Do you fuck kangaroos? Not anymore I don’t. No way! I learn my lesson. No way! So what bring you to our hilton of a hostel? Flew over for my mates wedding. Mates getting married. And you’re staying in this shithole? You fucking peasant! You’re shit at your job. What’s wrong with this hostel? Bro have you seen the reviews? We are getting slammed. Don’t read them… I’ll read out one of them there’s some fucking
dooseys on here. “I’d rather stay the hostel from the horror
movie Hostel than at this place and everyone died in that movie” So why did you choose this hostel just out of curiosity? Obviously not from your fucking reviews. The bride doesn’t trust me staying at the
same hostel as the other boys. Apparently I’m like a baaad influence or some
shit. Fuck she’s a bitch, straight up honestly. But you guys keen to go to the strip club? It’s like 10 in the morning… Yeah we’ll go there for breakfast or some
shit. I’m listening. We’d love to but we’re on reception duty and
we’re becoming wizards! What the fuck you nerds? We’re not nerds, it’s a drinking game. Wizards. You know, you drink a tinnie of beer and once
you’re done you tape your next can on top. And so on until you get a wizard staff. And once that staff becomes taller than you
are and you finish that last can you become a… Wizard! Aw so you like get a beard and a parrot on
your shoulder and shit? You’re thinking of pirate… No you become a wizard and you can do magic
like a wizard! Fuck off you’re taking the piss ay. You’re such a fucking muggle ay. What is hogwarts? I can’t do spells. I use my legs and don’t ride a broom stick. You’re a fucking muggle! Fuck it I’m in. Let’s get drunk. We don’t say drunk we say wise. We’re going to get so wise today. Well let’s get fucking wise then boys! We’re almost wizards boys. I feel more magical already, I’m tingling! That’s probably just the crabs… Or both? I don’t even think it’s working for me. I’m just getting more wasted. Getting more wisdom. More Wiz’ded. More Wiz’did! You excited for the wedding? Nah fuck no. She’s a bitch bro. I feel sorry for the bro because all she does
is fuckin’ moan. She just like blah blah baa blah bah blah
bah He’s feeling a bit sheepish about the whole
thing. Enough with the sheep jokes. It’s kinda racist… Not if it’s true it’s not. It’s more like a fucking funeral bro! Because my best mate is going to get married
and then we are never going to see him again. My mate once got a girlfriend and then his
dick fell off. Oh shit! You serious? Yeah, well he never uses it anymore so it’s
kinda the same thing. Oh I feel ya, feel ya. So, what’s your favourite part of Lord of
the rings? Ohhh I don’t know I haven’t even seen it. What the fuck? You’re from New Zealand and you haven’t seen
Lord of the rings! Yeah it’s fucking shit bro. Shit? No one would of heard of your country if it
wasn’t for that movie. And of course… The sheep thing. Ok fuck up. Enough of the sheep shit. Don’t you have to go to the wedding soon? No I don’t have to go to the wedding soon… Oh fuck boys it’s 2:30 we gotta go! We? Did you just invite us? Oh bridesmaids! Yeah fucking bridesmaids! I got the fucking wedding ring look! I got to get this to the wedding by myself
and I’m way too wa… Wise, wise! So I need your help boys! But we’re on reception duties… Let’s just get Chloe to cover! He’s our only guest anyway. Yeah just get Chloe to cover I’m your only
guest anyway… Boys, I’ll give you the meanest review if
you help me get this ring to the wedding. Would you say that it’s the one ring to rule
them all? Nah it’s just a wedding ring… OK! I’ll call Chloe. We accept your quest! We accept your quest! Now which church is the wedding at? It’s that one just down there and it’s got
like all those windows and like all those doors. Would you say it has more doors? Mordor! Mordor! No stop being fucking nerds. It’s just a normal wedding and I need your
help. We’re like Frodo and Sam and we have to get
the ring to Mordor! It’s not that at all. It’s not that at all. Then what’s the point of going oh bearer of
the ring. Ok fuck it. It’s a quest! It’s a quest! And we must get this ring to the mordors! Let’s fucking go right now! Ok. Lets fucking do it! Get some beers Tom! What the fuck is that smell? Where are they? Who? The bender brothers. Those idiots who ruined my hostels pool. look at this filter. I heard it was your fault for serving Mexican
food. What Mexican food? They just drank tequila and fucking shat everywhere. It doesn’t sound that bad. Have you tried to fish diarrhea out of a pool
with a fucking pool net? Yeah I have actually. It was like going fishing for corn and I love
fishing. They’ll pay for this. Well they’ll have to pay later. They’re busy helping a guest right now. You guys don’t have guests. Well you don’t get laid. You have an aura around you that says “I have
never had sexual intercourse, no not me!” Get them here now! Here’s the thing virgin. They’re currently walking our guest to a wedding
in the city. Our guest is the best man and has the ring. So it’s kind of important he gets there on
time. What so you guys can finally get a good review? Correct! It’s a bit more important than your little “I can’t get laid” problem Wait, shut up for a second. So if the wedding doesn’t go ahead then there’s
no good review it’s the perfect payback. The ring must be mine. My precious. Is this my copy of precious? You are such a fucking virgin. Where’s the disk? Who the fuck uses DVD’s anymore? Virgin! Bitch! Oh you fucker… Precious is a good movie but it is hard to
fap to. Goggle maps said it’s about 10 minutes this
way, so we’ll be there in a nek minute. Won’t be long. Orcs! They’re not even Orcs… Get the fuck back! Blend in. Let’s go smash some durries at Northies. Yeah babe. Cronulla rules! Their from Cronulla AKA the Shire. What does that mean? It means they’re Hobbits. Look you can see their second breakfast. Fuck I’d chuck my pork in that Orc G They’re not Orcs anymore bro. They’re hobbits now. Well I’d slob it that Hobbit G. I’d put my dildo in her Bilbo! Why don’t you just stick your dick in there? My precious! They’re close I can smell them. No that’s just the shit on my face. Fortunately I know a shortcut. I’m not a giraffe but I have fucked one so… You’re like a blue bird crossed big bird… Blue bird? Big bird… You said blue! Fuck up I’m wa- I’m so ‘wise’ right now. would you say you’re Legless? Legolas Legless! Legless! No, no I’m not fucking legolas. I’m just drunk and I’m sad. My mate Aaron’s getting married. Aaron’s gone. Aragon. Aragon. Fuck up you nerds! Fucking be serious. Aragon, aragon! Muggle, muggle, muggle. My polo! There it is, More Doors. And more importantly, our staffs are taller
than us so once we finish this last can we become wizards. Boys I just wanted to say thanks for getting
me here on time. I’m gonna write you the best fucking review
ever. The meanest review! Not so fast! It’s gollum. Gollum! Who the fuck is this virgin? Come on mate I’m not a virgin. Why does everybody keep saying that? Because of your pants. You shall not pass! Is he gollum or gandolf I’m so confused. Let him through Goldolf! No, no the prank you pulled crossed the line. You shit in my pool. You fuck with my guests, you fucked with my
business. And now I fuck you. You’re going to fuck us? I don’t fuck you I… I fuck with your… Just give me the fucking ring! No who even the fuck are you? fuck off! Get our of my way. Let’s charge him boys. I’m too wise to fight right now boys. I can’t even move I’m so wise, where am
I? Sorry Jimmy. Looks like we failed you, we failed the quest. Middle earth is doomed. NO! Did Frodo and Sam give up on on their way
to Mt Doom? Did Aragon or Legolas give up? Did fucking Rick Astley give up? Never. Never gonna give you up. Well, anyways! Wizards wouldn’t let some gollum virgin
stand in their way. I’m not a fucking virgin. We need to finish our beer, become wizards
and defeat this virgin. FOR ROHAN!!! You have seen it! Of course I have. I’m from New Zealand. Everyone from fucking New Zealand has seen
that fucking movie. Lets do it boys! FOR ROHAN! You guys are fucked I was gonna move eventually. Churr boys! I’ll cya later ay. Churr bro! We did it Sam now let’d go home. Actually we came all this way we should probably
see if there’s any hot bridesmaids. It’d be rude not to! We are gathered together to celebrate the
very special love Between man and sheep. By joining them in marriage. Marriage will allow you a new environment… You were right. They do fuck sheep. Fucking knew it! Hey Chloe! Guess who got a Kiwi bridesmaid. Tom told me about the sheep… Smoke bomb!

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