Alright lads, welcome back to my channel if you are new here, my name is Tom Harlock and I do not have an intro and I bet you guys have been wondering where I’ve been at for the last month and honestly, me too time flies when you’re a misery, but you know what? I’m back baby, and better than ever that’s a lie but I’m back and I’m ready to force myself to do something to get out of this existential slump only joking I had half a bad day and decided to take it out on the rest of 2019 Classic me! (thanks tom I was getting bored) according to people who are smarter than me scientists, doctors… NASA (lies) according to NASA. There are three stressful times in a person’s life. Only three. Nope – no more, no less one; moving house two; getting married, and three; being Tom Harlock (✨hateful bitch things✨) And if I’m honest, I don’t have the mental strength to self psycho-analyse today on camera So we’re gonna go with the second option: getting married for today’s video, we’re going to be watching an episode of ‘my teenage wedding’ the TV show my teenage wedding followed Canadian teens whilst they fell in love and planned for their big day today’s episode that I would like to watch with you stars Sam and Rebecca. I get to call her Becksy (The Story of Tracey Beaker S5 E1 12mins 45secs) And that’s that. I don’t know why, I didn’t make the rules. I just made this video I’m sure a lot of you guys went to school with a girl who wore cat ears and hissed at people in the corridors and galloped around the playground like she was a horse and I bet they were- I bet they stank and I bet they had greasy hair (and that’s on international!) if you didn’t go to school with that girl surprise! it’s you! imagine if that girl got married and you were invited to watch the whole entire thing ‘people think we’re too young to get married, but we don’t care’ welcome to the wedding of Sam and Becksy* ‘I think it was love at first sight every time I saw her my heart skipped a beat’ isn’t Canada supposed to have free healthcare? and isn’t that supposed to include dental? one visit from the tooth fairy, she could probably afford to get highlights ‘zz-We’re-Actually-zz-Say-No-To-People (?) We-Are-Absolutely packed I thought watching this it was going to be quite easy to understand them because they’re Canadian which is basically American which is basically gone off British. However, (the existential slump sigh) Gal needs subtitles because that mouth.. that mOuTH is prehistoric to be fair She would be handy to be around when the bank statements come through the post and you need to shred them for confidentiality (*internet banking*
sam: jobless) There you go, no one’s ever gonna steal your identity now – well, who would want to steal their identity? come, you know, actually I’m not gonna be too mean, it’s only been 30 seconds LMAO I bet you’re wonderin’ crikey, What’s their origin story? I bet it was a tale of true love and romance. Look at those two scene 19 year old gals I bet – I bet they have a really pure and unadulterated story, I bet it’s stunning. Someone should write a book about it. I’m going to write a book about it. I can’t write (jacquiline wilson who?) ‘I was dating a girl for the longest time. We were all partying’ ‘and we were all drunk and stuff and I kissed Sam but a month later’ ‘me and my girlfriend we’re hanging out and then I ditched her to hang out with Sam’ Fair enough. Just ditched her to hang out with Sam but you need to remember this, and this goes out to all you people out there All you people who you idiots who consider relationships at the end of the day, if you get together with someone because you cheated or they cheated and you got together in that way Remember how you got together? Because that’s probably gonna be how you end – and, not to make you paranoid – Yes. I want to make you paranoid No one can be happy if I’m not.
anyway, back to these young lovebirds ‘we were just eating french fries and I just got up and took a ring off I figured asked her ‘will you marry me
if somebody tells me that they’re against my wedding? I look at them and go’ Okay, well it’s not you getting married’ and thank God for that. Honestly, if you’re out there darling, thank you so much that it’s not me in that position right now. Been there, done that, got the ring, got the divorce Had the three kids taken off me. (dad?😳) ‘I think that we’re gonna be together forever’ Ughh, I’m not gonna release her information to the public but … ‘I call Scott literally my mum and dad, but they’re actually my biological grandparents. my mother was 16’ ‘She had me, she couldn’t take care of me. So they adopted me’ Sam’s real mum decided she couldn’t be asked with her anymore so she just gave her away and honestly I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do but watching Sam sit down and discuss how many people are coming to her wedding……… I can kind of understand ‘are you gonna invite your friends from school?’ ‘yeah, probably all them XD’ Every single one though?’
‘or maybe like 85 or like 2,000. I have a lot of Fcaebook Frens XD’ Oh crikey. Sorry darlin didn’t realize you’re a Miss Canada 2013 (riza santos sweetie) i’ll just trot off back to my slums whilst you live up with your 2000 facebook friends this TV show is just reinforcing my nervousness to have children because imagine if it grows up and it’s a gimp how embarrassing?
and you wouldn’t know until, it’s about – what? 14/15 years old that it starts bringing out the Roar XD uwu tendencies and it’s too late by then. You’ve committed. It’s a shame they can’t really test for that in the womb so you could – I’m gonna stop this conversation (-shiv out your uterus so you dont have a
horror child?) ‘my parents grew up in like a very proper environment’ (so they’re tories?) by proper environment, do you mean that they grow up before the first war? because they’re 80 years old?
You didn’t have to say a proper environment. You can say the boomers grew up with rations ‘my dad’s not coming to the wedding because he finds his ‘christianity doesn’t let, like he doesn’t want to sin’ Aww, bless he used that as an excuse, didn’t he?
and I’m gonna take that from him. imagine how powerful that would be? sorry guys, I can’t attend whatever you want me to do today because I think it would be a sin and if you question it while it is actually according to my religion, so eat my hole ‘Beck is quite the person’
‘she’s a little mouse with pick hair’ you know the producers have sat them down and said say something nice just absolutely anything and this is all they could come up with. She’s um Yeah, she ‘s um, she’s like a mouse and she has pink hair She exists she’s a person there’s a great discussion where they’re talking at the dinner table about what on earth they’re gonna do with their time now that they’re gonna be married, what is their future looking like? ‘I’m finishing high school’ ‘some point within that, getting married and then moving’ ‘out?’ the look on her face that’s either pure glee, or her angina’s kickin in. probably both Glee induced angina. Nothing quite like it ‘yes out’
‘really?’ ‘yeah, that’s right. out’
‘okay’ ‘soo.. suck it up buttercup’ I know I’ve given her a hard time but I do actually want to make a fan account for Samantha.
she’s a bit feisty, ain’t she? full of the one-liners suck it up, butter cup if this was modern day and she was a youtuber, that would be on merch I bet there’s merch. you’re telling me there’s not a t-shirt that says suck it up-?
I’m gonna look – oh, of course there is. sorry darling. It’s probably been trademarked by now ‘end of conversation. um, I think i fight with my mum because we’re naturally ying and yang’ Why is she so serious and terrified? like she looks like she’s gonna do some voodoo stuff And honestly, I am kind of here for it. I’m not gonna lie Samantha if you’re still alive out there, send me a DM d’you wanna be mates? I’ll get you Invisalign be mates with me and I’ll get you Invisalign not saying you have to change You can be your own person. But if you wanna be mates with me “MissCanIjustTellHer? I’mSorryToHearThatYourGrandmaPassedAwayiActuallyAmHonestlyI’mYourMateI’mGonnaBeUpsetWithThatYeahAndDoYouThinkTheOnlyThingYeahIsNoOneCanforceMeToBeYourMateAndAnythyingAndiDontWannaBeYourMate, A’right?” you’re gonna have to adapt, so ‘you’ve only been at it for 19 years, come on guys’ ‘we’re boomers’ If someone’s shushed me, I don’t care if they did fight for their boomer rights, whoever they are if they shush me I’ll probably – you know, I’ll probably respond positively to that. I do you need to be told to shut up every now and- hello, Mr. Magpie one for sorrow Says it all really didn’t it? today me and beck are at the malls cuz we’re beating our bridal party I want to be in this friend group. This is like a Canadian Avengers, but Jason Morais in the corner.. where’s his acoustic guitar? I feel let down. you’ve got the, in control spoilt but headstrong blonde (alissa violet?) you know how it is when you’re leading up to a bigger event? something’s always bound to go wrong and well for these ladies the problem is they’re not too sure if their guests are going to be able to attend and what on earth is going to be the problem here. Is there an avalanche? can people – can people not cross the bridge? are the flights down? are the airlines rioting? what’s the problem guys? what’s going to be the big hiccup here? why can’t your guests attend? ‘we’re getting married on Friday, so they have to skip school’ ‘it’s on a Friday?’ ‘yeah’ because it’s a school day and all of you are still at school ‘you guys are going to have to get out of school that day’ ‘might have an issue with that I can’t afford to skip school I gotta get keep my grades up I ought to do good this year’ Oh god, what’s her excuse gonna be? Sorry. I can’t come to your wedding on Friday, I need to place an order to buy some terrible bows at the point where people are making excuses like this, people are saying they can’t come to your wedding because it’s a sin – give up people don’t care about your relationship and believe in it. You shouldn’t either that’s the takeaway from this. ‘I will try my hardest, to be-‘
‘-you better have to try your hardest’ ‘i will get on my hands and knees and beg to my mother’ I’m gonna beg my mum. i’m go on my hands and knees and then I’m gonna whip up my acoustic guitar And.. “well you done done me and you bet I felt it
can I please go to a wedding Skip’s go on Friday” “It’s my friend’s wedding (day)” UWU XD RAWR Two weeks before the wedding now for the pressures really on I really hope these girls pull it together and have an amazing day It’s what they deserve. No, it’s not actually they seem like really terrible people or one of them does. one seems like a terrible person and I’m gonna judge and tarnish them both by the same brush They’re both awful people and they don’t deserve to have a great wedding day They don’t really deserve much if I’m honest apart from my judgment and I’m gonna give it you I’m gonna give it to you good suck it up, butter cup ‘going to school and planning a wedding at the same time is like hell’ you know, just the typical day gals wake up, go school, come home, plan a wedding pretty easy, pretty simple.
we’re in love, nothing can break us apart XD … whilst they’re packing to move out, the mum slash grandmother comes downstairs and decides to have a little conversation about, what – what are they gonna do? how are they actually gonna support themselves?
at the end of the day, they’re gonna need to get a job they’re gonna need to have some kind of financial responsibility if they’re gonna move out.
they need a plan, you know and she just wants to make sure they have one ‘who’s gonna work?’ ‘i’m working’ ‘where?’ ‘anywhere I can get a job’ ‘where are you going to live?’ ‘in an apartment’ ‘how are you gonna pay for the apartment?’ ‘didnt have to call me out like that’ /I’m not living with you/ the audacity of this girl She didn’t even ask you to live with her She asked you how you were gonna pay for your new apartment because she can’t wait for you to leave And then she was going to suggest standing on a street corner or maybe using a webcam She was also probably going to suggest the paper bag at the end of the day, who’s gonna pay for that when you can just stick on alien versus Predator ‘I love my parents, they’re great people’ ‘they’re wonderful conversationalists’ you know what? that’s all I look for in a good stable parent, I don’t want a home, I don’t want shelter, I don’t want food. I just want a good conversationalist! if my child sarcastically said that I was a good conversationalist I’d put them in reverse speech therapy and have them unlearn all the vocal patterns and traits that I told them merely by Existing and being around them ‘what do you plan on doing with your life?’ ‘I just want to cook’ ‘that’s the only thing I want to do with the rest of my life’ what lmao what? I just wanna bake, man. I don’t want to do a single other thing for the rest of my life look, don’t catch me breathing, don’t catch me having hope or inspiration.
please, just give me a saucepan and a pyrex dish I’ll be more than content if I’m just in a kitchen for the rest of my life cooking Oh, no, I don’t need a cheese grater. Thank you. I’ve got that covered (lmao bitchh) ‘she wanted to be the first female Canadian doctor in space and then, i don’t know, she wanted to be a vet’ you know for a fact there was a little girl she was like, I want to be a doctor and they were like well, alright gal Well, you live in your fantasy world if it helps you sleep at night, but just know that when you’re 19 years old You’re gonna drag us all on a TV show and completely destroy our family’s reputation and spit all over our lineage. Thanks darlin’ ‘if you’re gonna bring attitude i’d appreciate it if you could get out of my face’ ‘reality’ ‘yeah, reality something I lived through everyday’ for somebody who’s wearing that cardigan, she sure does have a lot of attitude so Becca’s sister lets the gang round after school to make some decorations for the wedding ‘when we get together, it’s like oh my god, it’s so hot. It’s Havok’ ‘oh, I was shaking my head the whole time, it was horrible’ ‘whatever you think that represents me and Sammy, put it on’ ‘why do we have to make this is instead of getting decoration and putting them up?’ ‘because i’m poor’ she’s speaking fax, no printer and that’s on period vibes this shot she’s just around the corner like please don’t mess up my hardwood flooring Oh for God’s sake you’ve messed up my hardwood flooring I would absolutely do them in like, I get this is on television, but you could just make this into a true crime TV show instead and just I don’t know cause another kind of scene and I’m saying, the sheets already there. They’re all skinny little wee bows anyway, just roll them all up in this one sheet and bury them out the back. I’m letting my fantasies run away, soz Instead of having two separate bachelorette parties they have one mega crazy party is a hula themed and it looks like it’s in (a circus?) the school sports hall or perhaps the local community center. Just gonna run around skidding on their knees like they’re in a year three school disco. Well at least there’s not been any fights yet at the school disco, there was always a fight but at least is not gonna be any, any – dram– *thomas smiled and slowly backed away* It’ll be way too simple to separate these two eighteen-year-old emo boys Just get a My Chemical Romance CD and a pair of dirty vans and throw them in opposite directions Bob’s your uncle well, he might be your uncle. I don’t know don’t accuse me of knowing your family tree ‘just like scared them both into shaking hands, it was really funny’ ooh hehe, it was so funny when an adult had to come in and separate my friends for fighting at my wedding party Grab your hats baby. It’s time for the wedding day Sam and becksy* are separated. They’re not allowed any contact that becksy* she just can’t resist ‘I’m not really allowed to text her, but I’ve been doing it secretly’ Oh crikey. What did she reply? ‘she hasn’t really been answering’ Good omen for your marriage isn’t it darling? (me everytime i have a breakdown) You know the wedding’s gonna be an absolute delight when the bride is getting their hair cut the morning off with some fabric scissors ‘nd not just a trim, this girl is having inches taken off ‘does anyone know where Sam is? no one?’ ‘I texted her earlier and she said she hadn’t even got out of bed yet’ ‘I told her to be here early because the fact that it’s gonna take forever to do her hair talking’ it’s one O’Clock in the afternoon girl, get up it’s literally the day of your wedding the kids are just sat around the ttable like none of us… none of us have even booked a table at a restaurant none of us can even make our own dentist appointments, clearly look at what they’re wearing, man I hope this is exactly what they’re wearing to the ceremony because they look, well they look pretty fly – oh my what’s that hoodie? does that hoodie say roar XD is blondie coming through with the roar XD hoodie i’m so happy. I am actually buzzin’ honestly congratulations Sam and Becksy I wish you all the b- [REDACTED] ‘this is my first and last time being a maid of honour’ oh, wow, yes shoes give me that silhouette I asked for fashion and this guard delivered the walk, the power, the audacity that has (i’m telling my kids this is willy wonka) I’m telling my kids this is Brendon Urie. ‘I would have preferred you in a wedding dress. I would have preferred you in a wedding dress’ Yeah, they’re straight up just roasting now, they don’t care. There’s still time for one big bust up before the ceremony, don’t you dare worry ‘I’m f* pissed’ ‘what’s your problem?’ ‘because you weren’t here to tell us what to do! make sense? ‘you told me you had that set up’ ‘No, I didn’t sam, let go’ ‘like really you told me you had that all set up’ ‘I love her to freakin bits, but she needs to be more organised about this’ you’re not old enough to smoke sassy blonde Lizzie. She’s tired. She doesn’t want to keep arranging all these weddings for people who don’t care ‘I’m fine. I’m gonna get ready. I’m gonna get my hair done, and’ ‘I’m gonna have my f* wedding’ ‘I can promise, that you will always have my deepest love, my fullest devotion, and my most tender care’ ‘I will always honour you, I will always respect you, and I will always, always love you’ ‘you’re glorious, a miracle, you’re the dreams I’ve got inside.’ ‘I now pronounce you wife and wife you can kiss’ *live footage of tom officially having enough* ‘I felt really, really honoured to stand up for Sam today. This was completely worth skipping school. It is now time to party’ and there you have it, the girl that wore cat ears from your school getting married right on our TV screens I don’t really understand why we just accept the fact that marriage is supposed to be stressful isn’t it supposed to be the easiest and just the best thing in the world because you’re in love and everything’s great if you guys did enjoy this video, let me know down below in the comments Maybe you want me to do some more videos on this TV show. I’ll happily do it You just gotta let me know and if you want to see more videos from me in general, make sure to subscribe I’m on the road to a million baby and only you can help me get there only Just you Mmm, just you, nothing to do with me. I’m absolving myself of all that responsibility Make sure to like this video to let YouTube know that I make really great stuff that you just can’t get enough of and most Importantly, if you’re a teenage, emo couple planning to get married invite me to your wedding I’ll bring all the studded belts and bike chains that you could possibly need. Thanks for watching, i love you guys I’ll see you soon roar XD love you bye (just spent 7 hours in total over the course of 3 days subbing this which is more than the sleep iget over the course of a week!) luv u tom x