Latino vs American Wedding – Joanna Shorts


and then the DJ could go over there. -okay. great right so we’d come here after cocktail hour? yes it’s great there’s a lot of
space yeah I think my abuela would actually love
this. So how many people are we thinking for this Long Island/Venezuelan Union? Um. We I haven’t really landed on a number. But ballpark like four hundred. Forty. Forty? Four hundred? You think you have 400 friends? oh oh “friends” misunderstood the question. You must have. thought I was crazy. Forty…friends for the bridal party and then four hundred guests. So four forty… Listen I mean you gotta be aware…. little different in my culture. Okay? Like
I have to invite my cousins, my second cousins, my third cousin, those people
I call cousins were aren’t actually my cousin’s, my cousins from Peru I’ve never even met your cousins from Peru. Yeah, no, me neither. My parents friends, conocidos. What’s a conocido? Conocido is someone you know exists but you don’t care about. So…an acquaintance. Who I don’t want at my wedding I’d love to put a pin in this
-Pin it! Later! Because you know what this space it can accommodate large groups That’s not large though that’s like the
size of Luxembourg
-he’ never been to Luxumbourg. okay you mentioned you want
get LIT and PARTY ALL NIGHT. Right? And that’s great because this
space you can have it till eleven! Oh great that’s perfect
-Oh my god that is
such a relief I was honestly worried thought that Americans like to end their
parties early I mean if we’re gonna have a party till 11:00 you best be sure I’m
rockin till 11:00 -oh yeah my fiance think so you mean 11:00 a.m. not 11:00
p.m. I didn’t think I would have to specify PM.
-You shouldn’t have to that’s the 11, before the midnight of the of the… THAT 11. Are we on
drugs??? There is no smoking in here oh my god! What’s next? We’re gonna print out little freaking name cards for people? Oh here you go Nathaniel you sit next to my Model UN friends. What are we fascist? That’s not fascism. You’re describing
place cards Okay well I’m pretty sure Mussolini had place cards at his wedding Mussolini? Jesus Joanna, look people need to know where to sit for dinner. Sit? No no no no there will be no sitting, okay? Platos pasando, pasando los platos, pasapalos. Like a buffet in the corner that everyone forgets is there. Five to six like constantly rotating meals on trays that you gotta
like, run for. Let me tell you something There’s very few things
more exciting than locking eyes with the waiter holding the tequeños on the
other side of the dance floor and sprinting for it. That’s the mozzarella
sticks you said she was gonna mention oh What the fuck did she just say? Can you tell me what she just fucking said? Change the subject. ROMANCE! let’s remember why we’re doing this in
the first place, right? Let’s talk about something romantic. Your first dance. Oh sorry. I’m getting a little emotional. I just imagine a really nice um like salsa song. I don’t care what the
lyrics are. They can literally be anything but I just need like a sick-ass beat. Like, this is the beginning of the party! I want my feet to bleed in three minutes. BLEED! I would love not to have any of that. I
don’t want my feet to bleed. I was thinking something more traditional like
a slow dance to Dave Matthews . Who are Dave and Matthew? No Dave Matthews.
-There are two Matthews? No. The band! Crash no. Craaaashhh. Craaaash. No no stop stop oh my god its so bad. What I was just trying to
– It’s so bad It’s awful. That was awful. You know what? Let’s circle back on this I know we have Jewish. We have Catholic that’s gonna be a union. Is that gonna be
an issue as well? We don’t believe in god.
-My parents dont give a shit.
-yeah we’ll just get a notary Why would religion be an issue? like Dave Matthews is an album I grew up
– I don’t know who that is TOASTS! Who is gonna give a toast? Well my buddy Hunter is writing something
and he’s hilarious Oh how fun! Hunter’s a real hilarious good friend. He still
talks about camp and he is 33 years old Yeah would hate to interrupt our 17 hour
party for acquaintances to hear my best friends say nice things about us. He made
a slideshow Joanna and it’s beautiful. you know what’s truly beautiful? The unrelenting waves of joy of the “hora loca” it’s like oh here’s some joy I’m sorry
I do have to ask: What’s the hora loca? Hora loca?! He knows! “Crazy hour”! Do you want to take it honey? No please
-okay. Hora loca! we got plastic hats We got fake glasses.
We got a fog machine we’ve got highlighters you could write on your
skin and the backlight makes a show. We got clearance aisle Halloween costumes
that are a little bit too slutty but over your dress look pretty cool. We got a
dance battle that slowly escalates into violence. We got really small glitter
bombs that explode like this BAM. We got TAMBORES! Maybe there’s Daddy Yankee
maybe there’s Yankee Daddy the drag queen version of Daddy Yankee and they perform
a duet at our wedding. DY! YD! Joanna I love you. Me too!
-But what are you talking about?
-What? Did you hear all the noises your mouth just made? Tambores? Okay. So to recap we are doing 400 plus people we’ve got approximately a 17 hour party
so that you have to add on a third shift and a fourth shift for the workers. Seven
rotating meals on trays so we’re gonna have to get some extra help into the
kitchen because that’s many constant meals. We’re gonna have to add daddy
yankee salary because i don’t know what that is for a get. Okay so we’re just tally it all up we have an approximate pricing of…. And the coma is there. And then the second coma is there. Great. So we’ll go to City Hall and have beers in my parents basement Yes. You’re fired.
– I wasn’t taking the job
anyway

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