Key & Peele – Sex Detective – Uncensored


[indistinct chatter
over police radio] [camera shutter clicks] – IT’S A WEIRD ONE–
NOTHING OUT OF PLACE, NO MURDER WEAPON.
– AND NO MOTIVE. THERE’S JUST A COUPLE
LYING DEAD IN THEIR BED. – THE PROOF IS ALWAYS
OUT THERE, DETECTIVES. YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW
WHERE TO FIND THE PUDDING. – EXCUSE ME, SIR, YOU CAN’T BE
HERE–THIS IS A CRIME SCENE. – SAMWELL, IT’S OKAY. HE’S THE GREATEST SEX-CRIME
INVESTIGATOR IN HISTORY. IF IT ISN’T
DETECTIVE CHUCK VAUGHAN. – DETECTIVE SALLY FERGUSON. – WE COULD USE A GENIUS
RIGHT NOW. – TOM SAMWELL. – WHAT HAVE WE GOT, SAMWELL? – WELL, VAUGHAN, WE’VE GOT
OURSELVES A HARD CASE HERE. ALL WE’VE GOT IS–
– TWO BODIES, BOTH DEAD, NAKED– ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN IN THE BED, TWO SCENTED CANDLES
BY THE NIGHTSTAND. – HOW DID YOU–
– SHH. – NO SIGN OF FORCED ENTRY. HE LOVED THE WAY THEY SMELLED. [sniffing] HE WANTED TO CROSS
THE THRESHOLD THE WAY THEY HAD
ON THEIR WEDDING DAY. [sighs]
YOU DIRTY DOG. [chuckles] HE WOULD’VE EXPERIENCED
THAT PLEASURE RIGHT HERE. [pants unzip]
[groaning loudly] ANNIVERSARY–THE COUPLE
WAS TOGETHER FOR A WHILE, WANTED TO SPICE THINGS UP. CHECK THE DATE
ON THE PHOTOGRAPH. – VAUGHAN’S RIGHT. TODAY WAS THEIR 15TH WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY. THIS IS HUGE. – AND WHAT THE [bleep]
WAS THAT? YOU JUST PULLED YOUR DICK OUT AND STARTED JERKING OFF
AT THE CRIME SCENE. – SAMWELL,
HE’S THE BEST THERE IS. BY PUTTING HIMSELF
IN THE PERPETRATOR’S MIND-SET, HE’S ABLE TO SOLVE CRIMES
THAT INVOLVE SEX. BAG THIS UP. – SOME CALL IT A BLESSING. IT’S MORE LIKE A CURSE. – IS THAT WHAT IT FEELS LIKE? – [sniffing] THREESOME. [sighs] YOU WANTED TO SEE THEM,
DIDN’T YOU? YOU WANTED TO WATCH. 25 FEET FROM THE BEDROOM, ACROSS THE KITCHEN, YOU… [huffing] YOU DIDN’T WANT
TO SEE THEIR FLESH YET, DID YOU? NO. HE STOOD RIGHT HERE. [pants unzip]
[groaning loudly] ROLE PLAY GONE WRONG. CHECK THE LOGS. – WE’VE GOT A BLOODY FIRE POKER. WE’VE GOT OUR MURDER WEAPON. – UM, WHY DO YOUR REVELATIONS REQUIRE MASTURBATION? – WHY DO KITTENS REQUIRE MILK? – NOPE, NOT THE SAME THING.
– HEY. HEY, HE’S THE MOST BRILLIANT
GODDAMN DETECTIVE I KNOW. PUT YOUR EGO ASIDE
AND GIVE VAUGHAN HIS SPACE. – MY EGO?
WE GOT CAPTAIN PUDPULLER FLINGING HIS FLUIDS
ALL OVER THE CRIME SCENE. – WAIT. HE KNEW THEM. HE– THEY WERE CLOSE, SO CLOSE,
TOO CLOSE. HE–HE… I THINK HE KNEW THE HOUSE. WHY? WHAT DID YOU WANT,
YOU SICK BASTARD? YOU WANTED TO SEE… WHAT HE SAW EVERY DAY… ONLY CLOSER… CLOSER. HE WAS CLOSE TO HOME. [groaning loudly] THERE’S OUR MAN. – ALL RIGHT, LET’S GO GET HIM. GO, GO!
– HOW DID YOU– VAUGHAN, THAT WAS AMAZING. I’M SORRY THAT I DOUBTED YOU. YOUR METHODS
ARE UNORTHODOX, BUT… I CANNOT ARGUE
WITH YOUR RESULTS. [zipper closes] – NO HARD FEELINGS? – UH, NO, NOPE,
NOT GONNA DO THAT.

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