Day 10-Choosing Your Bridal Party

(upbeat music) – Episode 10 of The Bridechilla 30
Days of Wedding Planning. I’m Aleisha, the host of Bridechilla and the founder of The
Bridechilla Movement if you want to call it that. Let’s call it that. And I’m really happy to be sharing my hottest, hottest wedding planning tips. This is how I talk. So if you’re already
like, “Ugh, I hate her.” fine. Don’t leave though, I’ll be sensible. No, this is… What am I on today? These are tips, hints, ideas that I have learned and absorbed over the last 300 episodes
of producing Bridechilla. I really hope that I can just
cram in a lot of information in the next 30 days, but also it gives you the impetus to go and explore those concepts a little bit more and really think about
what’s important to you. So, this episode is all about
choosing your bridal party. And let me say, before
I really smash into it, if you don’t want to have a bridal party, that is just A-OK. You don’t need to pick people. You can stand up there on your own. It’s fine. I think a lot of people
feel obliged to do it, and then I hear them and
I talk to the Bridechillas who are like, “I don’t
really want a bridesmaid. “I don’t want a maid of honour. “It’s not really my scene.” And yet they sort of feel like they have to go and pick people because it’s the thing, it’s tradition. So I just want to give you permission, if you need a stranger’s
permission to do this, to just not do it if it’s not your scene. If it does not float your boat, ditch it. If it is something you want to do, the next thing is, I see
a lot of Bridechillas really conflicted as to who
they should be asking to be a part of the bridal party because they want to let people down or hurt people’s feelings, or they’ve got friends who
they’ve made drunk promises to in college, where they’re
like, “I love you. “You’ll be my bridesmaid one day.” And now it’s 10 years
later or five years later and you haven’t talked that much, but you feel this sort of weight on your shoulders and
in your heart of going, “Ah, shit, I made that drunk promise “and she asked me to be her bridesmaid, “but now I don’t really want
her to be my bridesmaid.” Or, “I haven’t really
spoken to her very much. “I don’t know her kids’ names, “but I feel really guilty because “she’s liked all my
recent posts on Facebook “about being engaged.” Really, when it comes down to it, the bridal party is all
about finding people that love and support you, that
you can work well with, and that you enjoy their company, you’ve had great memories with. And I think it’s sort
of interesting for me. You see people over the seasons of life, brings people in and out of your life. So you’ve got your school
friends and your college friends and your work friends, and
then your couple friends. And sometimes you maintain
really close relationships with people from different
parts of your life, and other times you still stay friends
but you’re not as close, you don’t see them, you move, things change, and life changes. And at this time, really,
my advice to you is, if you’re struggling to
figure out who you should ask or who you even want to
consider bringing on board as a part of your team, is that you need to think
about who’s important and who’s working with you
in the friendship level now. I don’t think you should
be choosing anyone out of obligation. I don’t think you should
have any obligation attached to any decisions
you make with your wedding. It can be really difficult because you feel like
you’re letting people down. It can be challenging because sometimes people have expectations that they’re going to be asked, and, actually, they’re not, and that can be sups awks, but actually getting over
that and getting through and being honest and communicating can actually help relationships, and sometimes it can make
relationships fizzle out, and maybe that’s cool. Maybe it’s time to move on
or take a different path. I’m really for picking people
that you want to be there and that you know that are
up for the task, basically. I’m also a big believer, and, actually, I’m writing
a book at the moment called The Maidchilla Manual, and I’m a big believer in being able to actually communicate
with your bridesmaids, your Maidchillas as I call them, and your groomsmen, what you want them to do, think about that when
you’re picking them as well. A lot of the time, and I’ve
been in this situation, I’ve been a bridesmaid, and you get asked, and you’re
like, “Oh, that’s nice. “That’s great, I’m stoked.” But then there’s nothing else. Like, no one communicates anything. And I’m not saying you have
to send the big, bloody list of shit that you want them to do. But it really helps
someone else understand what your expectations are. Are you going to be organising events? Are they going to be organising events? Are you going to be
paying for their clothes or are they going to be
paying for their clothes? How many weekends before the wedding do you expect them to need to take off out of town if you’re
doing outside bachelorette or hens days? Are you expecting them to
come to a rehearsal dinner? The more information
you can give your team, the smoother it’s all going to be. So think about before you ask your friends and relatives, potentially, to be a part of the bridal party, just think about what your expectations
of that role means to you and how you’re going to communicate that, because so many of these messages I see in the Bridechilla
community and I see in voice messages coming
to me in podcast land, is people going, “I’m going
to break up with my bridesmaid “because she’s not doing what I want.” And you’re like, OK, sometimes that is absolutely true and there’s a lot of
other issues attached to, sometimes there’s jealousy,
sometimes there are, I say, worlds collide and you’re bringing in all these people from different parts of your life, and sometimes there’s a clash, sometimes there are
issues that are unspoken and then people play out stuff and act immature like they’re 14 again. That happens to everyone,
don’t worry about it. It just happens. But then sometimes you realise that the decisions that you make
with the bridal party especially are things that, you know, actually reflect where you’re
at in your life at the moment, and that’s it. And also, the financial implications. I think it’s just really important to be open and honest about your expectations and their expectations of what they’ll be contributing and what you’ll be contributing. I’ve been writing a lot lately and I’m really in the bridesmaid zone because of this book. I feel that sometimes the questions that come through in the podcast and people getting quite dramatic about wanting to break up with friends or ditch them from the wedding party, a lot of the times just
having a chat with them and not being judgy, either side, and just listening and being open to hearing what their problems are or why they’re not helping you. Maybe you haven’t asked them
what you want them to do. Or if they’re acting out, maybe it’s because they’re
sad, they’ve had a breakup and they don’t know how to
deal with your happiness. All of this stuff is really common. I just think it’s good to consider all the facets before you go out and ask 20 people to be your bridesmaids. And also, don’t feel
pressure to invite 50 people. If you’ve got one really good friend and a couple of other
friends that are nice friends but not really good friends,
just ask that good friend. Be a maid of a honour, or your bridesman. I mean, look, I think mixed gender bridal
parties are the bomb. I had a best man and it was great. I got lots of guy friends. I wasn’t really into all the girly stuff. And I just wanted my friends to be there so we could all get dressed and ready in the morning together and have a champs and joke around, and we did, and it was fantastic. I loved it. So that’s it, day 10,
choosing your bridal party. I’ve covered a lot of ground. Obviously, there is more
to learn, to say, to hear. I’ve done a bunch of episodes
of The Bridechilla Podcast about this very topic. So if you’re interested in learning more, just go to my website and
search bridesmaid or Maidchilla and you will see a bunch of
content that will help you through this decision
and planning process. Tomorrow, I’m talking
about how to deflect, how to get your big shield out, to deflect opinions and advice
that you just don’t want. Oh my giddy aunt, there are so many people
that want to provide their special opinions when it
comes to planning a wedding. And really, you just want to go, shh. Shh, shh. I don’t need to hear it. Sometimes people really want to help, but often, just annoying,
just really annoying. So I look forward to providing you with some insights into that. Until tomorrow, I really
look forward to seeing you, and happy days! (upbeat music)

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