HomeArticlesAnti-Gay Wedding Planner (Parody) | We the Internet TV
Anti-Gay Wedding Planner (Parody) | We the Internet TV
August 20, 2019
When it comes to planning your most
special day, you want to hire the best wedding planner in town. But what
happens when the best wedding planner in town disagrees with your homosexual
lifestyle? This happens to be a daily challenge for outspoken anti-gay wedding
planner Phil Lamont. I’m a religious man and I think that
homosexuality is a sin and that gay marriage is an abomination. If I could
have my way I would refuse every gay couple that came into my downtown studio.
But the law says that I cannot deny the gays and so I am forced to plan their
weddings. It sickens me. With all the other wedding planners out there you might be asking yourself ‘why don’t gay couples just choose ones who respect gay marriage?’ We asked that question to newlyweds Stephen and Gary Miller. Honestly we could have gone with another wedding planner but we wanted the best. And Phil Lamont is the best. He’s in the vanguard of wedding planners. And it just so happens he’s a raging homophobe. While the law says he has to serve gay customers, it doesn’t say he has to do a
good job of it, so we asked Phil Lamont, ‘what’s to stop him from sitting down on the job in
protest or even sabotaging the gay weddings altogether?’ Let me tell you something. Even as much
as the gay lifestyle sickens me, I still take pride in my work. That used to mean
something in America. I built Phil Lamont Events with my own bare hands. I will
never give less than a hundred percent to any couple that hires me, whether
they’re straight, or ****suckers, but that doesn’t mean I won’t
exercise my first amendment right to say what needs to be said. Well, we knew heading into this that Phil would not
hold back his religious views but the way we saw it, we could choose between an amazing reception where we were berated
for being gay…Or we could have a subpar reception with people who totally
support us! Or people who were hiding their hatred. Exactly! With Phil everything was out on the table
and everything was fabulous. We don’t mind having a wait staff calling us *****-licking ****s
every time they fill up our champagne glasses, if the service is impeccable. -And it was.
-It was! While other wedding planners have felt the pinch in these hard economic
times, for Phil Lamont, business is booming. I’m booked up into 2020. Nothing but sodomites. My favorite part of the wedding? Him. -My favorite part was the cake.
-I can’t believe you. It was a Tres Leches cake! It was so good we didn’t even have any
left over after the reception But Phil made sure that at the end of the night, there was a small cake waiting just for us. -“Burn in Hell, ****s.”
-He wrote that on the cake. I said Tres Leches wrong, it’s Tres Leches…can we take it again? So, what does the future hold for Phil Lamont? I’m praying that one day I’ll be able to legally
refuse a gay wedding. But until that day, I’m gonna make sure that every wedding I plan will be so fabulous, that they’ll all be talking about them while they’re
burning in hell. Well Phil Lamont, for couples like
Stephen and Gary and Rachel and Michelle, an eternity of torment will be more than
worth it. Let me tell you something, the real sin would be missing out onour Venetian hour. That fondue station! It was incredible! -Unreal.
-Amazing! I just wanted to bathe myself in that chocolate! I did! Phil hated that.